he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
