I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
