The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
