So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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