I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
