normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
