My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Holy shit dude........stairs
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
