Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
