i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My vagina is very pro this idea
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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