My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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