I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
