worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
