cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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