At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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