I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
