go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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