I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
