dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
