1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
