I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
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I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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