I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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