Someone shit on the floor
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
