by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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