And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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