But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
