i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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