Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
handjob tips. give me some.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
