Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
