new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
