I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
