The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
