Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
