I wish I could punch you in the face.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
