sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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