I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
