go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
