I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.