Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need moral support for this bender
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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