In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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