I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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