My cat gives me a boner
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
