I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
where are my eyebrows?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
