just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
