drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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