My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.