Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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