if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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