She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
