hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
