My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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