he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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