Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
