i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
