You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
