listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
