I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
