This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
